Connecticut River Sea-Monster, July 1995
For Immediate Release:
So is this great and wide sea, wherein are things creeping and innumerable, both small and great beasts.
There go the ships: there is that Leviathan, whom Thou hast made to play therein.
The Main Street Museum Of Art, once again astounding the local population and opinion of the world at large, presents an exhibition the scope of which has not been seen in this hemisphere for a "Dogs Age."
It was this Spring, in the slightly unsanitary waters just off of Lyman Point in White River Junction, where the White meets the Connecticut River, that an extraordinary Monster was seen Frolicking. First reports gave indication that some cousin, or closer relative, of “Champ,” Lake Champlains Aquatic Apparition, had somehow found its way onto the Eastern half of Our Beautiful State. Devious and as yet Undiscovered Underground Channels perhaps penetrated the Gneiss And Schist Ledges of the Green Mountains, enabling lateral passage to ethereal creatures of the Watery Nether-World. Or perhaps Extraterrestrials simply dumped the Monster here. Just days later, an expedition party from The Museum determined to capture the Mooncalf, as the educational value of such a Chimera would be of incalculable value for the region. A Herculean struggle ensued. In the end, all that needs be said is that the Remarkable Offspring of the Chambers Of The Styx did not survive its attempted domestication. The matter was, however, put into the hands of our own, Gulgo Vandershelz Bargain, a specialist in Oriental Taxidermy, who practiced his art with such magical skill that it can scarcely be detected that our Gargoyle Gave Its All for the Advancement Of Knowledge. On close examination of the beast it was determined that Nature, up to her “high-jinx” as usual, had beaten Human-Kind in marvelous inventions and created a Wonder.
The only question remaining was this: how then could The Main Street Museum Of Art help bring this Miracle of the Aquatic World before the Awaiting Public?
A Display Case was found for the Incubus which turned out to be too small. We made it fit anyway; and now the result:
A Sensation! A Genuine, Fantastic
Creature From The Deep,
Wonderful Child Of Neptune Spawned From The Fermenting And Tumultuous Waters Of The Connecticut River. Exhibited At The Museum For The
Summer; 23 June til Mid August, 1995.
Fridays And Saturdays From Noon Til Six In The Evening. For The Reasonable Price Of Only ¢50
Leaving For A World-Tour In Foliage Season. Beginning in Montpelier, Vermont in October & ending God-knows-where.
In short we hold the Exclusive Contract with a Freak of such phenomenal proportions that the superstitious of “Days-Gone-By” would have assuredly ascribed some Portentous Significance to the Era of its appearance.
We, however, are Beings of Intellect and of Science and can only quote some of the Leading Authorities who have been privy to the Indescribable Physiognomy of this Griffin:
Says Dr. Li Shen, Ph.D., The Lab of Phenomenology: “This specimen, this remarkable finding, represents a here-to-fore un-delineated Evolutionary Link between the Gargantua of the Marine World and Modern Day Bovines.”
Says Prof. Ria Blaas, Independent Researcher: “I have never encounter-ed anything like it in all my long Experience as a Researcher in Micro-Terpsichoreans.
Says Zachary Blainford, M.D., Ph.D., Kresge Scientific Institute “Since this creature obviously is not genetically capable of descent from any Known Earth Form, therefore it is my considered opinion that this Abomination must have been Teleported (by what means is unclear); as a type of, perhaps sinister, Extra-Terrestrial Biology Experiment”
In short, the best minds of the scientific-biological community have been completely Appalled by the Revolting Aspect of the Dragon. Thus our Dumbfounding Specimen will prove to be the greatest sensation of our Times and the Highlight of Northern New Englands Cultural Life for some time to come. It shows all inclinations to bring in a Fortune In Lucre. And will be shown, in a Specially Prepared Exhibition Room within The Museums dirty little galleries.
I hear you ask, “Will fifty of my United States Cents be put to good use viewing this phenomenon?” To this we can only say that all admission to The Museum will be cheerfully refunded if the flabbergasted Witnesses are not one-hundred per cent satisfied with the Hideousness of our Prize. In short; we extend A Guarantee on our entertainments; what better deal is there? None; there is none!
Dont forget, The Museum is proud of The Permanent Collection: Art of the Region, Yankee Curiosities, Indian, or “Injun” Artifacts of undoubted veracity, Golden Rail-Road Spikes, Theater Posters from the Infamous Era White River created as an Entertainment Mecca, A Lithograph of the Virgin Mother, Miraculously Preserved through Submersion in the 1927 Flood, Holy Water from Memphis, True Relics of the Body of Elvis Presley, and a host of other artifacts designed to Delight and to Elucidate!
The Second Exhibition, 1997
“Served up as a kind of satanic Tableau Vivant”...
For Immediate Release to: The Press of the Region, & Interested Biological Professionals. From Vermont’s Most Unusual Collection of Historical Oddities — A “Cyber-Museum” without a Home
This will be brief, as we are bracing for a second whirlwind of media coverage, ill-natured Academic Disputes, and Wholesale Condemnation. It is becoming evident that a Regional Freak cannot be hid under a bushel. One of the Many Sensations of our South Main Street Museum appears to be a “Mega-trend,” and we here at The Museum are never loath to “Testify.”
Therefore, without the slightest degree of trepidation—or even wary consideration of Contingencies we present, through the largess and public-spiritedness of the ava art center, and its summer Circus, our phenomenal
“Connecticut River Sea Monster,” vile cousin of Champ from Lake Champlain, for a limited viewing in Lebanon, New Hampshire...
For Only 25 cents a ticket! In Ava’s Galleries at 11 Bank Street, Lebanon, from 10 July until 9 August 1997
Uncoiling its Smelly Old Self In a Special New Display! Bigger and Better than ever!
It is needless to reiterate the expressions of outrage and international defamation from the Academic, Scientific and Biologic Community that greeted our appalling display of preserved aquatic life (genus: Macro) in its last go round in 1995. Many of these Dissents came from our own Dartmouth Colleges Biology Department. It is safe—and perhaps advisable, in deference to our lawyer, to only repeat the obvious and “stick to the facts:” The First Being: that this creature was dredged from the waters of the Connecticut in 1993, preserved by a team of Oriental taxidermy experts on The Museums staff, and served up as a kind of satanic “Tableau Vivant” in our former front rooms where it was...
Second, that this Unwholesome Creature was then placed into a kind of limbo in our basement at 42 South Main Street for a period of time where it Only Grew More Hideous! acquiring more dust, cobwebs, and a fine misting from the fetid spray of most of the Regions feral Tomcats—adding the “pèice d’résistance” in effrontery for senses both Optic and Olfactory. The entire concoction is now to be seen, languidly uncoiling itself in a manner both Artistic and Educational, in a brand new, and Very Impressive, Vitrine.
This will be, in fact, the first time in a long while you will have had the privilege of viewing any part of The Museums Collections, due to our ill-treatment at the hands of our—shall we say—estranged, “Landlords” (obviously, our lawyers, once again, bid us say no more.) as we have been closed since last September.
We are due, however, to rise like a Phœnix from the Ashes come Fall, and will feature spectacles so numerous that they will hardly be able to fit into our Catalog—also due to be published, come Fall, with illustrations, and available at our Grand Opening in beautiful Downtown, Sucker City, Vermont, jewel of the Upper Valley.
God Bless Each and Every One of You,
—D. Fairbanks Ford, Prop.
Our business office: 5 Mill Road, Hartford, Vermont, 05001; 802.295.7105; e-mail: email@example.com